Years ago, I would blog about bad movies. My brother used to love my reviews, describing them as "just so insulting." He has begged me to write more, but I've always found better things to do.

Until now.

Today I encountered a movie that was so horrible, it demanded imminent priority in my life. I would say this review is for Tommy, but this is about more than entertainment. This is about justice.

On base in Iwakuni, we don't have the widest selection of movies. There are only four showing every weekend. So when Ilona left for Chicago for a conference, and I was looking up something to do with the kids, my choices were limited.

I'll be honest, I could tell from the previews this was a kids movie. When I saw it had a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes, I thought: "All the better, I enjoy movies more when I have low expectations." But it had two things going for it: Robert Downey Jr and a story focused on a guy who can talk to animals. What's not to love about taking your kids to see talking animals?

It was ghastly.

'Kids movie' doesn't do it justice. This was a 'straight to DVD' movie. We're talking the kind of movie you find at a library. No, not on the shelves of the library: in a cardboard box full of garage sale leftovers that was left in the rain and no passerby or member of the library staff wanted to bring inside.

Let's start with the absolute worst part of the movie. Robert Downey Jr. I didn't know what to expect: would this be a more traditional, Rex Harrison Dr. Dolittle or a wild and fresh Eddy Murphy Dr. Dolittle? The answer is neither. Instead, RDJ surprises audiences by portraying Dr. Dolittle with about as much enthusiasm as would Tony Stark. The result is so forgettable, so amazingly bland, it might leave audiences walking out of the theater asking "I can't understand why they called the movie 'Dolittle'. Was 'Dolittle' supposed to be a character, or what?"

I was able to get over the poor performance because I was prepared for a children's movie. What I couldn't accept was the ridiculous voice RDJ adopted for the character. It was like he placed approximately eight marbles in his mouth and did his best impression of Antonio Banderas' best impression of an Englishman. I could not stop asking myself whether the film was actually dubbed.

The script for this movie was like an experiment in progressive theatre, when the director says:

"We're brainstorming ideas for the new Dolittle movie. What have you guys got? No idea is too bad!"

Only after everyone has warmed up with their worst ideas, the director then says:

"Okay stop. We're done. I've got a surprise for you. This wasn't a brainstorming session: this IS the move."

I can't describe it much better than that. Every character, ever turning point, each motive was another level on a totem pole of horrible ideas. Why is the queen's messenger a little girl? Why was a runaway boy with no character chosen not only to be the apprentice of Dr. Dolittle but also the apprentice of the pirate bandits? Was it really necessary to perform an enema on a dragon in order to earn passage to the tree of life? (The last one sounds like a joke. It's not a joke.) As a father, I've learned not to expect too much from children's films. What makes this film unforgivable isn't that it fits into the category of "children's film," it's that it abuses the category. It's like the writers said, "Because this film is for children, let's allow ourselves not to try."

The film has no redeeming qualities. Zero stars. But if that wasn't enough, if you happen to be the kind of person who likes bad movies, if my review intrigues you, I implore you: do not go watch this film. It is not entertaining even for a connoisseur of bad movies. It is the very definition of lackluster.